You know how in life, many times, things just come together? You do not see it coming, but when it is all said and done you look back and see how it all came together. Think about the great migration, animals of all kinds starting their journey to beat the weather; the butterflies that fly from northern canada to the middle of Mexico. I think, now, after thinking, processing, dreaming, ruminating, about the last week leading up to Rowan's birth, it all came together.
My sisters has asked me time and time again to have a day, an hour, a small period of time to celebrate this new baby girl. I being absolutely exhausted from the house projects, waking every hour to pee, working and chasing a two year old around kept saying "no, no, no." Until finally they convinced me that maybe a little time for us would be nice. So between Kalie's school schedule, Megan's weekend work schedule and my schedule we planned a two hour block of time to eat a delicious lunch and get our toes done. My mom came, Laura came (another prego friend) and as you all know you wrote the most beautiful, heart-felt poems, words of wisdom and encouragement and love. I had no idea what a special day it was going to be.
The next day (Tuesday), I worked, it was set to be an 8-9 hour day (a short day I kept telling myself as my days have been 10-12 hours days). Tuesday at work did me in but I did get much of my work wrapped up as Friday was to be my last day at work. That night Megan's friends delivered our bed, the place Colin's parents were to sleep when they came to watch Lily. We were finally able to get the bed because Colin had cleaned the basement carpet the weekend prior and the bed now had a place to go.
For the last few weeks of pregnancy I kept saying, I will have time to do all of the loose ends during that last week.....you know pick up snacks for the hospital, pack our bags, find the camera charger, clean the house etc. Wednesday came and I woke feeling pretty bad, like the end of pregnancy really hit, like I was finally slowing down, just sore everywhere. So instead of starting on my list of things to do I rested on the couch and did a little laundry. Wednesday night I started having contractions 15 minutes apart (not the kind where you are rithing in pain but the kind that stop you in your tracks and you think.....oh man is this it, are we going to start this thing?) I slept Wednesday night waking only a few times with contractions and the rest with the urge to pee!
Thursday morning the contractions were a little more intense and 15 minutes apart but by the time I got to my mid-wife appointment they had stopped. She and Colin both strongly urged me to call into work and cancel my day on Friday. She said if you start this birth exhausted it is going to be very hard to finish it naturally. She thought it was very possible I would start into labor either Thursday or Friday night. She checked me and let me know that actually despite my contractions nothing had changed in my cervix. So Colin and I went to meet our doula Erin after the appointment. We talked about all of the things we could be doing to help the process along but overall the importance of rest at this stage and listening to my body.
It is odd, the last 2 months of pregnancy you think, "wow I could go into labor at any minute." You constantly question, when, where, how, what will be undone and what will be checked 'done' on the giant mommy to-do list. So during our meeting with Erin we talked about how this was the first weekend since, basically, July that we were not jam packed with things to do. She urged us to plan something for just the three of us as likely it was to be the last weekend as a family of three. I left that meeting and headed to have a little foot reflexology and acupressure done to once again promote this babes decention in the birth canal. That 30 minute appointment was the best I had felt and would feel for days on either end. It was amazing!
While in Ann Arbor I wanted to make a few stops but I started feeling more and more worn-out and the contractions had started back up consistently; I thought it was best I went home and slept. Well instead of sleeping I called into work to cancel my day on Friday and finish up the work that was left undone on the computer.....shift this patient here and there and let the various P.T's know what to do with who. All the while the contractions got stronger but still remained 15 minutes apart. Colin was at work until 10 pm and so I left Lillian at daycare until the last moment. By the time I got Lily to bed the contractions were pretty intense and about 6 minutes apart.
They remained about 5 minutes apart, lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to 45 seconds all night long. I tossed and turned and moaned and Colin gave counter-pressure when he could. It was ALL in my back. The start of a very long back labor. By the time morning came around the contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasted for about 60 seconds. We texted Colin's parents to let them know what was happening as they were coming to care for Lily while we were in the hospital. We told them to pack their bags and come, Lily would go to daycare for the day but she needed to be picked up by 6 and in the off chance that Dave and Carrie were in labor my sister Kalie could come for Friday night. Well sure enough Carrie and Dave went through the exact same thing all night long too and they were on their way to the hospital too!
So plan B: Aunt Kalie stayed with Lily for Friday night so Chuck and Sheila could meet baby Nolan. I called the mid-wife on triage and asked if she thought we should come in or wait a little longer, her advice was to wait until the contractions were long 1 to 1.5 minutes long..........(are you kidding me, these contractions are going to get longer.....great!) We also called Erin who rushed to get her kids in daycare so she could meet us at the hospital. So ALLLLL day long Friday I proceeded to have contractions 3-5 minutes apart lasting no longer than1 minute despite everything we did. And we are not talking
oh, I think I just had a contraction, we are talking...on hands and knees, moaning, bent over occasionally yelling contractions.
There were small moments when the contractions were lighter and I even remember getting a 20 minute nap in their but over all it was ridiculously no fun. I talked with our doula all day long, she advised us on different techniques to get everything moving....we walked, I squatted, I did lunges, I took showers, I held positions for a long time through many contractions. On one of many walks outside I was on my hands and knees moaning (it was about 5 o'clock, everyone was coming home from work) and a truck pulled over and asked if I needed help, "no buddy, move along, you have three kids in your car, clearly you have seen a women in labor before." (Well that was what I wanted to say.) We would walk our caldisac and it would take probably 20 minutes because I would have to go so slowly and stop at every driveway while Colin gave counter-pressure.
By Friday night nothing and everything had changed. I was exhausted already, we were a little worried about the baby and worried that nothing had changed. So we called triage again and they recommended we come in. So we made the 30 minute drive to the hospital, contractions the whole way.....here is Colin trying his hardest to get us their safely and without hitting any bumps and here I am, " slow down, you are going to fast, you are going to slow, you are hitting all of the bumps, turn the heat up I am shaking, turn the heat down I am sweating, why are you going this route this route has too many stops?" We did finally make it and the mid-wife checked me and I WAS NOT dilated at all. She said I wasn't even in true labor and that quite frankly this could go on for a week.
My jaw dropped. Are you kidding me, all of this for not, all of this for what? Why? When will this change and if nothing has happened so far, when will it and what will tip the scales in the right direction? She advised that I sleep and rest tonight and in order to do that she thought I needed morphine and sleeping pills. So that is what we did and it worked, I slept 3-4 hours only waking occasionally with contractions and so by 3 am the contractions had broke through the drugs and I was up; my dear friends were back somewhere between 3-5 minutes apart lasting 30-60 seconds.
Saturday was ridiculous. Kalie took Lillian out of the house for a while but when she was home and when I would start contracting Lily was yelling (to try and yell over my moaning) "you ok mama? what is wrong mama? I said...., you ok mama?" She would ask me that EVERY time despite redirection, like "Lily your mama is trying to get baby sister to come out of her belly, just tell her you love her and to feel better." By the end of the day she was mimicing me - swaying her hips, head tilted back and moaning.
By the end of the day Kalie needed to leave and Chuck and Sheila arrived. They quickly took Lily out of the house and to my parent's house. Colin and I stayed home and Erin came to help move this little one along. So once again we squatted, lunged, positioned, sifted, showered....everything. Erin showed Colin lots of helpful techniques to help with the pain. We called the triage mid-wife again (she was actually the mid-wife that took care of us through the pregnancy) and she said to come in and she would admit us because by the time women had been having consistent contractions this long, this intense, doing what we have done something typically needs to be done. So back to the hospital, this time taking a different route that did not entail as many stop lights. One that Colin was not familiar with so he missed a turn and I happened to look up between contractions and not recognize where we were, so we turned around.
We arrived at the hospital 3 minutes after valet closed so poor Colin was scrambling to get a wheelchair and whatever we needed all the while my contractions were very intense. I was sitting partially in the chair and partially out of the chair because that was the only position of "comfort" I could find as he wheeled me to the 9th floor.
When we got to triage they checked me and I was dilated to 1 cm. THANK GOD, at least it was something. Now many women walk around at 3 cm for the last month and it had taken me two days (literally we were at 48 hours of consistently painful contractions) to get to 1 cm. It was going to take an act of God to get this little one out.
My mid-wife was so sweet, she looked at me with the most caring and empathetic eyes and said, "Julie you have already done the work of multiple labors, all bets are off at this point, this is the type of labor women died in back in the day (because their bodies did not progress). You have already done a great job and now you need to sleep here and after you sleep we will do what we need to to progress you." She knew how much I wanted to have a natural birth and how hard I/we had already worked and she was giving me permission without ruling what I wanted out to just rest, cry, grieve and celebrate. She said she would get us a really good room and find a good nurse for us too. Once we got to the room she came in and put lavender around the room so that it not only smelled good but was relaxing. That night I had more morphine and sleeping pills and did not sleep one bit. The contractions were too intense and were breaking through the medication.
By 4:30 a.m. Sunday morning, October 21st, the mid-wife checked me again and I was finally at 3 cm. I have no idea how frequent the contractions were at that point, they just kept coming. Colin called Erin to come and join us at the hospital because it finally looked like things were moving along.
Erin arrived at by 6:30 am. From that point on the contractions started to increase exponentially. And from the point forward any time Colin or Erin would step away from me I would feel a little level of panic rise in me. I needed both of them right by my side for the rest of the day. Erin talked me through MANY contractions, helping me to focus, focus my breathing, redirect my pain, focus my self. She helped to teach Colin where and when to apply pressure and she motivated me to change positions or strategies when things felt like they were not moving. She stepped only inches away and allowed Colin to be the amazing husband and father he is; consistent, positive, supportive and loving. They were both a calming presence through the entire birth and I could not have done it without them. I am sure they used the restroom 3 times all day long and it was not until that night that they actually got something to eat.
We chose this group of mid-wives to deliver our baby girl because of the freedom we would have with delivery. I was able to walk, move, change positions, use balls and labor and deliver in the birthing tub. I/we did it all. And as many had warned everything works for a period of time and it got the point that even the things that initially felt good definitely no longer felt good. I walked and squatted a lot. I labored in the tub for a while, Colin in the tub next to me, helping to support me and helping me work through contractions. I disrupted the halls of the hospital walking and moaning with every contraction.
By 11:30 the mid-wife checked me and I was dilated to 5 cm.......YES what great encouragement....YES we are going to do this. Then 2:30 came, I was back in the tub and I was so uncomfortable I could not support myself in the water. I remember a moment of panic, thinking oh my word there is NO WAY I can have this baby in the tub. If I don't get out of here now I will be stuck for good (and the way things were feeling it felt like the baby was coming any second now.....little did I know). So everyone helped me out of the tub, I was shaking so badly from everything that I could not control myself. I made it to the bed and the mid-wife checked me again....5 cm........WHAT THE HECK? Seriously 5 cm? Nothing had changed in 3 hours. NOTHING! So that is when we made the decision to break my water to try and get the baby moving.
Now there were many amazing things about this journey and experience. The most obvious is Rowan. What is not obvious and something I may never have understood was my ability to center myself through it all. On day one I did not truly know or understand how to find my center but after 72 hours of practice, I found it. I cannot explain the amount of mental focus it took or how I felt during those periods of time but I was able to center myself to the point where it felt like I was somewhere else, my body was not my own but was instead floating away from here. If you could bottle up the feeling it would be the one you get right as you are on the brink of sleep. You are slightly aware of your surroundings but your body is more or less drifting somewhere. You are both HEAVY and light.
Now I am not saying I did not feel pain, I am saying through it all I was able to find my center. Then they broke my water. This was my rock hard bottom. At the beginning when we decided to break my water we were all really encouraged.....great it will be any moment now.....but instead I felt myself passing out between contractions for seconds on end. I felt my body working against the baby, not with the baby. Erin was trying to talk me through the contractions and I could not even look at her because of the intensity. At one point I looked up at Colin and he had so much defeat and sadness in his eyes I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do this. Every negative thought you could imagine crept into my mind and I would venture to say that this was one of the hardest things to over come; the negativity of my thoughts.
I finally cried mercy, I could not do it any longer, I needed something and the only thing I thought is that my body was so done and that after all of this it was going to end in a c-section. At that point the mid-wife working with us (who by the way was amazing through it all - Jan) pulled Colin out into the hallway and asked his permission to suggest an epidural. She wanted to honor my wishes to do this naturally but for many reasons she thought it was the best way to progress. Colin agreed. Within minutes the epidural doctor/team was there and relief was on its way. Typically only 1 person is allowed in the room while the epidural is given but this nice doctor took pity on me and allowed my support (Colin and Erin) to be right there with me. The epidural allowed all of us time to rest. Colin and Erin ate and even napped a little. After days of eating little to nothing I was starving and asked for food and of course was only allowed jello....hahaha. The epidural allowed me to rest and let my body do what it needed.....to dilate.
By 7:30 pm I was finally at 9 cm and feeling the need to push. Now they tell you once your have an epidural you are pretty much stuck in position but I was able to still go up on my knees and on the birthing ball to labor. Finally by a little after 8 pm I was ready to push. Colin and Erin each holding a leg for 1.5 hours.....I pushed and pushed and pushed, all the while in the back of my head thinking about how my poor husband and doula have been standing and holding my legs or a very long time- typically not a thought of the one having the baby but I hold legs a lot at my job and it is hard work!
The mid-wife on duty (now someone else) kept coming in and checking my progress. Towards the end the mid-wife was no where to be found and Erin kept firmly asking the nurse to page the mid-wife because this baby was coming. The nurse, no older than 23 said, "well I have caught one baby before, we will be ok." Colin's frustrations rising as when the nurse paged the mid-wife she had to type the page into the computer and the nurse would type a little, then erase what she wrote, type it again then erase it.....and so on. My husband, the irish man, screaming in his head, "how is this not a standardized page that you type EVERY day?"
Finally the mid-wife and NICU doctors all arrived at the same time, and Rowan was born seconds/minutes later. She was immediately placed on my belly and we all waited, in joy, for the blood in the umbilical cord to finish entering into this little girl. Colin cut the cord and she was placed on her tired mama's chest.
A miracle, an act of God, and God himself present in this little girl and those angels that helped us through this birth. Colin and I so thankful and full of praise for this healthy baby girl. I did it, we did it. Colin played the song,
I am getting ready, by Micheal Kiwanuka the following morning and I sobbed. It was the perfect song to embodied the way I felt that morning. The struggle, the triumph and the complete and utter disbelief.
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Now everyone has asked about the birth and I have been reluctant to share the story because it was so challenging for me. Because I want women to go into birth positively and not with all of the negative birth stories stuck in their mind. For me, it was not what I had hoped or really envisioned and by quickly reviewing it felt like I was just recounting a trip to the grocery store. Those days, that pain, that journey, that self-awareness, that centering, the emotional hardship and the highs and lows are impossible to capture with words or over a brief conversation; really much like anything so close to the heart, anything that takes you to the highs and the lows. I needed time and likely still do need more time to process it all. To me and to all women each birth is so different and so personal and so vulnerable. As some time has passed I am starting to see how many amazing things happened along the journey and how truly positive this story is. And I am sharing this story because now that all is said and done I have no regrets and realize that through it all, as Erin said, "You fought and you won." We have a beautiful baby girl, a healthy mama and a healthy baby, the one thing I said from the beginning that mattered in the end.
