Notes From The Belly: April 2013

(Rowan and Ellis 5 months)
I do not even know where to begin. The last two months have been crazy: more time than we would like spent at work, TERRIBLE winter weather and it is supposed to be spring, very full weekends and two baby girls whom are growing faster and faster. The weekdays seem to spin by. We can typically have dinner together 2 nights a week. Otherwise Colin is at work late, I am at work late or Colin is at band practice. Something that has been determined that he needs to keep his sanity. I support sanity FULLY. The nights we are home we are passing ships; one playing with the girls, one making dinner, one doing the bedtime routine, one walking the dog, one doing dishes, one getting ready for the next day (I know you moms know it- stuffing the diapers, adding food to bags, changes of clothes, readying bottles, washing diapers, cleaning lunch boxes). Most nights I have late night work to do and when we do sit down to relax it is typically close to 9:30 or 10. At that point we laugh about something Lillian said, a new skill Rowan learned, a funny thing someone said or we just sit quietly enjoying just that....silence. Ahh the days of our lives. I cannot help but to reflect daily on it all. I know we will look back on these days and miss them dearly and think how amazing they really were. But Colin said to me very sadly the other day that he hates "this" right now (ie no time to himself, no time for us, constant chaos). That broke my heart. He is right, this, this right now is hard. A hard that no one can describe. A hard that you really can only laugh about. It is not the hard that we have seen in the news in the last few weeks, not war hard, not starvation hard, but self being hard. So with that and the complete unhappiness at work over the last few months I have given notice at work.
I have absolutely struggled with postpartum depression with Rowan. This time things were different. Everyday my heart ached for her, tears would flow multiple times a week. I could not stand the fact that I was working a job that was squashing me, my drive, my potential while my two little girls were being raised by someone else. This decision to quit, or not to quit makes you question EVERYTHING. Will I be a PT again, am I giving up, am I searching for the impossible, am I naive to what is really out there and what it really takes, will I lose my house, will I lose my other house (haha- well sorta), will I lose me? So many self-doubt questions. But instead I have decided to look forward and not back. To take this time to grow in so many ways. Be there to raise my girls. To look for another job, if available. To possibly create a business plan. To create the reality we want. To change the words out of my husbands mouth to "wow this right here, right now is beautiful, us working together as a family, growing each in our own."

This little girl is so different from Lillian. It has been so amazing to watch her come into the little being she is and will be. She started sitting around Easter- about 5 months old. Now the only thing she wants to do is sit. Normal progression is rolling from back to tummy (which she has done a little but by no means does she know how to do it) and then tummy to back (she does not do this) and then sit. She skipped all of the rolling (including rolling to her side and went straight to sitting. She loves toys. She wants to handle everything, her fine motor skills are amazing for her age. She is working her pincer grip (picking something up between her thumb and her finger) like an old pro. She is able to place the binky in her mouth -that started around 5 months as well. She will talk a little but really she just wants to grunt. She laughs at her sister all of the time. And instead of only having eyes for mommy she only has eyes for her sister.

She is a very happy baby. But she is not quick to be overly happy. She takes everything in with a very straight face and wide eyes. She watches everything, so much to the point that if you lie her on her back she will yell. She just wants to be sitting. She is not emotional. When she is hurt or upset or when she wants us, she yells. She rarely cries. When she is hurt she does not want to be consoled she wants to yell, get it over with and then move on. It has been so interesting to watch this all develop.

Lillian is such a good big sister. She brings her toys, brushes her hair, wipes her face, sits and talks and giggles with her when Rowan is board. The interaction is just heart melting and the days I get to catch these interactions are good days in my opinion.

Colin celebrated his 35th birthday Monday. So many crazy feelings about turning 35. He was super dad all weekend because I had class he he had the girls.

6 months old! She is starting to grow out of her 3-6 month clothes. Recently she went through a growth spurt and her head shape changed again.

This is the look I was talking about.

Lillian plays with her daddy all of the time. Instead of singing, as she used to do, she has now perfected the rocker head tilt, with slightly closed eyes looking at you with a very proud and smug smirk all the while dancing with her head and body. We ask her to sing and she would rather not.

With all the stress, getting sick and a few other things I will spare you the details on my milk supply dropped significantly. Last weekend there were a few times I did not produce any milk for little Row at all. I had known it was a problem for a while and I kept telling myself that it would get better, more food, more rest, more water, supplements......everyday I pumped 1 ounce less. It was heart breaking. Then finally last weekend I could not feed Row on more than 1 account. It was heart breaking. As I said, I had class most of the weekend and I am sure my teacher thought me crazy as my eyes were filled with tears or I was crying most of the day. It is so hard to explain why this is so heartbreaking. Why breastfeeding is so important to me. Something that really requires so much work on the mother's part. So much selfless love. Waking multiple times a night to get the milk supply up, pumping every 1.5 -2 hours, the raw changes a mother's body goes through, keeping track of what you eat in drink, making sure you do not get too much of this or that, pumping at every "break" at work, the isolation pumping at work accompanies.....it is always something. And through it all, I would not have it any other way. So needless to say with Rowan hitting her 6 month milestone we started food and she loves some things. Other things she does not love but instead of spitting them out she yells and when you try again she yells louder. Honestly, I have to laugh when this happens. So far all she really likes is cereal and avocado. And trying to pincer grip little pieces of food on her tray. Little girl, you have to like more, for mommy's sake.