Where did the time go? (AKA We had a 5 month old and now a 6 month old)

(Rowan and Ellis 5 months)
I do not even know where to begin.  The last two months have been crazy:  more time than we would like spent at work, TERRIBLE winter weather and it is supposed to be spring, very full weekends and two baby girls whom are growing faster and faster.  The weekdays seem to spin by.  We can typically have dinner together 2 nights a week.  Otherwise Colin is at work late, I am at work late or Colin is at band practice.  Something that has been determined that he needs to keep his sanity.  I support sanity FULLY. The nights we are home we are passing ships; one playing with the girls, one making dinner, one doing the bedtime routine, one walking the dog, one doing dishes, one getting ready for the next day (I know you moms know it- stuffing the diapers, adding food to bags, changes of clothes, readying bottles, washing diapers, cleaning lunch boxes).  Most nights I have late night work to do and when we do sit down to relax it is typically close to 9:30 or 10.  At that point we laugh about something Lillian said, a new skill Rowan learned, a funny thing someone said or we just sit quietly enjoying just that....silence.  Ahh the days of our lives.  I cannot help but to reflect daily on it all.  I know we will look back on these days and miss them dearly and think how amazing they really were.  But Colin said to me very sadly the other day that he hates "this" right now (ie no time to himself, no time for us, constant chaos).  That broke my heart.  He is right, this, this right now is hard.  A hard that no one can describe.  A hard that you really can only laugh about.  It is not the hard that we have seen in the news in the last few weeks, not war hard, not starvation hard, but self being hard. So with that and the complete unhappiness at work over the last few months I have given notice at work.
I have absolutely struggled with postpartum depression with Rowan.  This time things were different.  Everyday my heart ached for her, tears would flow multiple times a week.  I could not stand the fact that I was working a job that was squashing me, my drive, my potential while my two little girls were being raised by someone else.  This decision to quit, or not to quit makes you question EVERYTHING.  Will I be a PT again, am I giving up, am I searching for the impossible, am I naive to what is really out there and what it really takes, will I lose my house, will I lose my other house (haha- well sorta), will I lose me?  So many self-doubt questions.  But instead I have decided to look forward and not back.  To take this time to grow in so many ways.  Be there to raise my girls.  To look for another job, if available.  To possibly create a business plan.  To create the reality we want. To change the words out of my husbands mouth to "wow this right here, right now is beautiful, us working together as a family, growing each in our own."

This little girl is so different from Lillian.  It has been so amazing to watch her come into the little being she is and will be.  She started sitting around Easter- about 5 months old.  Now the only thing she wants to do is sit.  Normal progression is rolling from back to tummy (which she has done a little but by no means does she know how to do it) and then tummy to back (she does not do this) and then sit.  She skipped all of the rolling (including rolling to her side and went straight to sitting.  She loves toys.  She wants to handle everything, her fine motor skills are amazing for her age.  She is working her pincer grip (picking something up between her thumb and her finger) like an old pro.  She is able to place the binky in her mouth -that started around 5 months as well.  She will talk a little but really she just wants to grunt.  She laughs at her sister all of the time.  And instead of only having eyes for mommy she only has eyes for her sister. 

She is a very happy baby.  But she is not quick to be overly happy.  She takes everything in with a very straight face and wide eyes.  She watches everything, so much to the point that if you lie her on her back she will yell.  She just wants to be sitting.  She is not emotional.  When she is hurt or upset or when she wants us, she yells.  She rarely cries.  When she is hurt she does not want to be consoled she wants to yell, get it over with and then move on.  It has been so interesting to watch this all develop.

Lillian is such a good big sister.  She brings her toys, brushes her hair, wipes her face, sits and talks and giggles with her when Rowan is board.  The interaction is just heart melting and the days I get to catch these interactions are good days in my opinion.  

Colin celebrated his 35th birthday Monday.  So many crazy feelings about turning 35.  He was super dad all weekend because I had class he he had the girls.

6 months old!  She is starting to grow out of her 3-6 month clothes.  Recently she went through a growth spurt and her head shape changed again.

This is the look I was talking about.

Lillian plays with her daddy all of the time.  Instead of singing, as she used to do, she has now perfected the rocker head tilt, with slightly closed eyes looking at you with a very proud and smug smirk all the while dancing with her head and body.  We ask her to sing and she would rather not.

With all the stress, getting sick and a few other things I will spare you the details on my milk supply dropped significantly.  Last weekend there were a few times I did not produce any milk for little Row at all.  I had known it was a problem for a while and I kept telling myself that it would get better, more food, more rest, more water, supplements......everyday I pumped 1 ounce less.  It was heart breaking.  Then finally last weekend I could not feed Row on more than 1 account.  It was heart breaking.  As I said, I had class most of the weekend and I am sure my teacher thought me crazy as my eyes were filled with tears or I was crying most of the day.  It is so hard to explain why this is so heartbreaking.  Why breastfeeding is so important to me.  Something that really requires so much work on the mother's part.  So much selfless love.  Waking multiple times a night to get the milk supply up, pumping every 1.5 -2 hours, the raw changes a mother's body goes through, keeping track of what you eat in drink, making sure you do not get too much of this or that, pumping at every "break" at work, the isolation pumping at work accompanies.....it is always something.  And through it all, I would not have it any other way.  So needless to say with Rowan hitting her 6 month milestone we started food and she loves some things.  Other things she does not love but instead of spitting them out she yells and when you try again she yells louder.  Honestly, I have to laugh when this happens.  So far all she really likes is cereal and avocado. And trying to pincer grip little pieces of food on her tray.   Little girl, you have to like more, for mommy's sake. 

5 months, who does not love  some baby feet?

5 months, before she could sit independently.  Yes, Lily is on her phone in this picture.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to all!  I hope Easter brought joy and thoughts of spring, new beginnings and love to all.  Here are some Easter photos to keep you all inspired.  More soon.

Altruism

Two weeks ago my two bosses sat me down and told me "this schedule is not working for us." (speaking of my pumping schedule)  As it is, I have broken my lunch into 3 different times throughout the day.  This allows me to pump three times a day. I know all of you mothers out there know how much a pain pumping is.......did I remember the right stuff, did I drink enough water, eat enough food, sleep enough in between being woken God knows how many times, am I worried or stressed out, have I exercised too much (ha), and for my particular work schedule.....what patient will be in right before I pump, will I have time to finish with that person before my next patient arrives, when will I chart, when will I eat, when will I pee.  Every single one of those things impacts pumping.  Pumping is a PAIN.  But I have chosen to do this, I chose it for my baby and my body.  The statistics on pumping are undeniable, healthier baby now and years from now, fewer allergies, fewer illnesses, decreased body mass index, better mother-baby bond, and for mothers a better ability to lose that baby weight.  So despite all of the negatives the positives far outweigh them so pumping is a must for me/us.

So when my bosses - a husband/wife team- decided to sit me down and tell me my schedule was not working I was ummmm, taken aback.  The conversation essentially boiled down to them saying that  was my schedule that was preventing me from seeing enough patients in my day and my schedule was the reason why I was not busy enough.  Despite these hard facts......I have enough time slots to see only 1 less patient per day than my counter parts whom work 1 hour longer than I and that I am holding the same average of patients/day as my counterparts whom work 1 hour/per day longer than I. My boss ended the conversation by saying that basically my pumping schedule is "inconvenient" for them.  This is the second time he told me it was inconvenient, the first time he did so after asking me how long I was going to pump for.

Illegal? YES.  Absolutely.  So the question is posed, what does one do?  Does one stand up for women everywhere that are confronted by narrow minded, yes I will say it, ass holes that do not see how incredible women are for working both in the home and out of the home?  Or does one side with their basic needs of bringing home a paycheck to feed the family that they love, thus sticking up for the family.  Philosophy at its best.  Altruism at its best.

It hurts my heart and every part of my being to know that I am working for someone that is entirely against everything I believe in.  It hurts to know that I am taking my babies to daycare to go and work for these people.  My little Rowan who had two out of five good days this week.  It makes my heart both scream and ache. Scream for the principals I believe in and ache for the baby that truly needs her mother.  I hurts my heart that I need this person as a reference because I have worked there for now 1.5 years and that if I could I would give him a very large piece of my mind.

So every minute I debate, I think and rethink....how?  How can we make this work?  Do I take a large leap of faith knowing that if I quit I will find something that I enjoy?  Or do I wait?  Do I take a leap of faith and start the business that I have been hoping to start even though timing does not seem at all right with two little ones and a mother that needs me more and more? There are jobs out there but the work is not really the work I love.  And truthfully I do love the work I do.

Prior to my meeting with the bosses I had been praying for a very large sign when it was time for me to leave this company.  I, being a libra, have always weighed the good and the bad and typically always justified the actions of others by trying to understand where they were coming from.  This tendency to always see the other person's point of view has definitely kept me at this job.  So I do feel like I needed a very LARGE kick to get me moving.  Well large kick I got.  And I guess it is not the large kick that I mind so much as it is just the very unclear path that I cannot see right now.

So many keep asking, how am I?  And I appreciate the asking because right now, I am angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, stuck and depressed.  And it is my friends and my family that will get me through.  So thank you for the love, the caring and the understanding.  I really feel silly even feeling this way, in a way, because there are people in much worse situations than I.  But to me, right now, this is a BIG deal, this breaks my heart and I have not been heart broken in a very long time.

Swimming now and then

        The top three videos are from a few weeks ago.  The bottom two are from less than a year ago.  How crazy to see the difference.  At this rate she will  be driving next year!

Sledding turned to sliding

Recent Fun

Lillian continues to just love on her sister.  She will randomly walk up to Rowan and say,"I love you Rowan, I want to snuggle you."  She frequently asks to hold her and to give her snuggles.  But just as quickly as she is interested she will become uninterested and roll Rowan off of her. 

Well, unlike last winter this winter we have had snowfall, after snowfall after snowfall.  We are starting to feel a little (ok a lot) pent up.  We are ready for spring and daffodils and warmer runs.  We attempted sledding at Kensington a few weeks ago.  It was a park my parents took us too when we were little.  They have HUGE sledding hills so we were thinking Lily could do the beginner hill, ummm that was wrong, she could do maybe the last 1/4 of the beginner hill with Colin.  After the 3rd time she was done.  So we have resorted to the tiny hill on the side of our house.  She loves it the same.

Lillian continues to amaze us with her vocabulary and smarts.  She buttoned her shirt on her own the other day.  She will word for word recite many of her books to you and it typically only takes a few times of reading them to her before she has them memorized.  She is jumping whenever she can.  Helping us shovel the driveway and helping me "fold" laundry.  Some of the sweeter moments have been when I told her I washed her princess nightgown and she replied, "thank you mama, oh wow, did you wash my underwear too?"  To which I laughed and said, "yes, I did." She then exclaimed, "you are the best mama, thank you, this is great!" I hope to never forget that one.  

Rowan continues to light up when she sees us.  She giggles at her sister frequently.  She is rolling from her tummy to her back more often and is starting to discover her toes.   It has been breaking my heart because she is really having a hard time transitioning at daycare.  Which has made this weekend just heart breaking.  She cries if I leave and just has a little less spark than usual.  I used to be able to set her in her bed when she was tired and she would sleep.  Now when I set her down she cries and cries.  I know we will get through this but her little spirit is not the same this weekend after two very hard weeks at daycare.  

Beginner hill!  Rowan slept through the whole thing.  She is typically happy to be attached to Colin or I on the days that she is not at daycare.  

A little Eugene love.  Thanks Sofia and Alex.

That is Aunt Kalie, hard to tell it is not me with a bird in her face- ha.  You see how Lily and Rowan are looking at each other.  Well the other night at dinner the girls interaction was the beginning of what is to be for the next 16 years of our life. (Wow that is weird to think about).  Lily was making funny noises at the table and Rowan was just giggling and smiling at her.  Lily noticed she was getting a rise out of her so she did it more and more.  It just escalated and made Colin and my heart smile.  The gift of a sister.  No one was eating their dinner and everyone was laughing. 

Mimi and Poppie came last weekend.  It was such a treat to have them here.  The girls absolutely loved the visit.

4 months

So this little girl is growing like crazy.  We had her 4 month check-up the other day and she has grown close to 4 inches in 4 months.  No wonder I eat so much and she sleeps so much!  So here are the stats for all of my number friends- and I know you are out there.....Height 25.3 inches (85th percentile), Weight 14 pounds 15 oz (50th percentile), head circumference 41.9 cm (85th percentile).  So she is officially bigger than Chevy.

Our transition back to the working out the home world has been, I guess there is no other word than, overwhelming.  Colin loved his three weeks of paternity leave.  Mastering Rowan's every need.  He did convince her to LOVE his guitar playing.  He is back at work and is appreciating not having a 2 year old and a then 3 month old dictate his schedule.  Rowan started daycare now 2 weeks ago and she has left Sue, the sweetest 69 year old women, spinning.  Rowan cries and cries if Sue puts her down.  My little girl who from the day we brought her home from the hospital has slept in her bed independently - no rocking to sleep, no breastfeeding to sleep, when she was tired at night and eventually during the day I would lie her down and she would sleep.  Not the case for Sue......Rowan will cry and cry and cry if Sue tries to set her down.  So Sue or someone else holds her so she can sleep.  So we have come home to a baby that has only half slept in someone's arms for a total of 40 minutes for the day.  This poor girl needs at least 3 hours/day but typically she needs 4.  She has been so tired that she won't even breast feed before she goes to bed because it is to tiring and she is too overwhelmed.  So I have been packing up her bedding and mobile and bringing it to Sue's everyday.  It worked the first day; she slept for 2 hours in the crib.  Now she is onto us.  If Sue even walks down the hall-way Rowan starts crying.  I keep saying once she realizes she is safe and ok then she will do better.  Well now we are at the end of two weeks and not a whole lot has changed.  It makes it so hard for me to go to work.  I will say it is the sweetest thing when I come home or Colin picks her up, she gives a huge smile from across the room, grabs our neck and snuggles her face right in the crock of our neck, all the while squealing.  One of the sweeter moments of the day.

At 4 months she is rolling occasionally from her stomach to her back.  She loves to reach and grabs things and bring them to her mouth, she is talking a whole lot less than Lily did but she is still a talker.  She loves to watch Lillian WHEREVER she goes.  Colin and Lily play soccer in the basement; Colin holding Rowan and Lillian switching between the goalie and the kicker.  Rowan just squeals in delight no matter how tired she is.  

It is so hard to find time.  Time to be, time to work, time to play, time to be alone.    Right now it feels like we are moving from work, to dinner, to dishes, to laundry, to walk the dog, to bed time, to more work, to bed and then start again.  I know we will look back on these days as some of the best days of our lives.  The funny things Lillian says, the way Rowan squeals and is learning to make noises, the way Lillian runs up to us and says "look what I did" and typically it really is amazing.  I know we will look back craving this love, this craziness and this time.  So for now we are trying to take it all in and draw our boundaries to protect ourselves so that we can truly enjoy and revel in this.